Saturday, June 03, 2006
FUCKING BULLSHIT
So ironic that a week ago right now I was sitting in my friend Rita's condo writing about how at "peace" I was with the world.
Tonight I went out with ANOTHER friend of mine from college that was visiting me in NYC and it was the exact opposite.
I showed up at the restaurant with FLOWERS and the best attitude you could imagine...
Everything was going fine...I felt good, I looked good, my friend and I were having a great time.
My friend happens to be hot and single. So fucking what?
I haven't seen her in almost a year so we had a lot to catch up on.
HER friends were running the show and they chose a fucking FRAT bar to go to for drinks and food. Seriously. You're visiting New York Fucking City and you pick a trailertastic FRAT bar to go to? Get a clue.
Yet I sucked it up and I went along for the ride.
I loved seeing my friend and we totally bonded and enjoyed each others company.
But over the last hour of our visit I could tell that there were some straight guys that wanted to get into her pants.
About a half an hour before I left, one of the guys bumped into me and turned to one of the people in the group and said "Why does she keep talking to that fag?"
I stopped and looked at him like he had 7 heads?
Did he just call me a FAG in a New York City bar?
He stared me down, eye to eye, just so I knew he made his point.
Yes I'm a FAG and why didn't I immediately get on my knees and ask everyone's forgiveness for it? Why don't I lick the shoes of every close minded heterosexual in the place? I mean seriously. I'm a fag. It's what's expected, right? REPENT and become straight. Otherwise...you DESERVE the ridicule.
And you know what I did?
I sucked it up, told my friend I had to leave and I got into a cab.
It NEVER gets easier when you're called a FAG. And moreso, it still hurts the same when you're called a FAG in front of a good friend.
The worst part...my friend thought this guy was "cute".
How can he possibly be cute when he called me a FAG?
HOW?
FUCKING HOW.
I'm so angry.
I am SO angry.
These people are visiting NYC from Buffalo and they have the nerve to make these kind of comments. And the ones that don't make the comments look at me and treat me like I'm a fucking circus freak.
Dance monkey dance.
I need to let this go. I need to rise above it.
I know this.
But truthfully...I have a dozen friends in my life who consider my FAGness to be a beautiful and understandable thing.
Yet I still sit here and feel like my whole night was ruined because I was once again reminded
THAT no matter WHAT I wear
That no matter how CHARMING I am
That no matter how funny I can be
I'm always going to be the FAG boy that lives in NYC.
I can't tell you how tired I am of this shit.
Had I been carrying a gun tonight, I'll tell you right now...
I would have pulled it out and shot this fucker right in the face. IN HIS FUCKING FACE.
Yes I would have spent the rest of my life in jail...
But so what.
MOTHER FUCK.
I AM SO TIRED of being treated like an inferior just because I was born a GODDAMN homosexual.
I never use the Lord's name in vain, but tonight...tonight...it's the only word that seems to truly represent how devastated I feel.
I'm NOT A FUCKING FAG.
I'm Joe CuttheShit and I'm fantastic.
I don't make ANYONE feel less than they are, so why...no matter how wonderful I try to be...
Why am I always going to be the faggot?
So ironic that a week ago right now I was sitting in my friend Rita's condo writing about how at "peace" I was with the world.
Tonight I went out with ANOTHER friend of mine from college that was visiting me in NYC and it was the exact opposite.
I showed up at the restaurant with FLOWERS and the best attitude you could imagine...
Everything was going fine...I felt good, I looked good, my friend and I were having a great time.
My friend happens to be hot and single. So fucking what?
I haven't seen her in almost a year so we had a lot to catch up on.
HER friends were running the show and they chose a fucking FRAT bar to go to for drinks and food. Seriously. You're visiting New York Fucking City and you pick a trailertastic FRAT bar to go to? Get a clue.
Yet I sucked it up and I went along for the ride.
I loved seeing my friend and we totally bonded and enjoyed each others company.
But over the last hour of our visit I could tell that there were some straight guys that wanted to get into her pants.
About a half an hour before I left, one of the guys bumped into me and turned to one of the people in the group and said "Why does she keep talking to that fag?"
I stopped and looked at him like he had 7 heads?
Did he just call me a FAG in a New York City bar?
He stared me down, eye to eye, just so I knew he made his point.
Yes I'm a FAG and why didn't I immediately get on my knees and ask everyone's forgiveness for it? Why don't I lick the shoes of every close minded heterosexual in the place? I mean seriously. I'm a fag. It's what's expected, right? REPENT and become straight. Otherwise...you DESERVE the ridicule.
And you know what I did?
I sucked it up, told my friend I had to leave and I got into a cab.
It NEVER gets easier when you're called a FAG. And moreso, it still hurts the same when you're called a FAG in front of a good friend.
The worst part...my friend thought this guy was "cute".
How can he possibly be cute when he called me a FAG?
HOW?
FUCKING HOW.
I'm so angry.
I am SO angry.
These people are visiting NYC from Buffalo and they have the nerve to make these kind of comments. And the ones that don't make the comments look at me and treat me like I'm a fucking circus freak.
Dance monkey dance.
I need to let this go. I need to rise above it.
I know this.
But truthfully...I have a dozen friends in my life who consider my FAGness to be a beautiful and understandable thing.
Yet I still sit here and feel like my whole night was ruined because I was once again reminded
THAT no matter WHAT I wear
That no matter how CHARMING I am
That no matter how funny I can be
I'm always going to be the FAG boy that lives in NYC.
I can't tell you how tired I am of this shit.
Had I been carrying a gun tonight, I'll tell you right now...
I would have pulled it out and shot this fucker right in the face. IN HIS FUCKING FACE.
Yes I would have spent the rest of my life in jail...
But so what.
MOTHER FUCK.
I AM SO TIRED of being treated like an inferior just because I was born a GODDAMN homosexual.
I never use the Lord's name in vain, but tonight...tonight...it's the only word that seems to truly represent how devastated I feel.
I'm NOT A FUCKING FAG.
I'm Joe CuttheShit and I'm fantastic.
I don't make ANYONE feel less than they are, so why...no matter how wonderful I try to be...
Why am I always going to be the faggot?
